The Link Between Lust And Love

In the beginning of Woody Allen’s Match Point, a tennis ball freezes in time over the edge of a net. With a bit of luck, the ball will fall forward and the player will win. However, there is equal chance the ball will drop backwards to inevitable loss. Life itself is the metaphor. While contemporary philosophers like Malcolm Gladwell (Tipping Point) have written about the power of circumstance, rarely has a film so perfectly captured the tenuous core of human nature.

Match Point is the story of a man torn between love (in the form of an adoring wife) and lust (in the form of a tempestuous mistress). Yes, it’s literally that Shakespearean. Each scene is a volley between shifting power plays: the carnal-crazed protagonist cools toward his increasingly needy mistress. The sweet, albeit slightly vacuous, wife becomes a shelter against his emotional storms.

As I watched, I began to wonder about the link between lust and love. We often hear about the storied “love at first sight,” although more seem to experience “lust leading to love.” Lust is also commonly mistaken for love. Just as typical, however, is the surprise of finding lasting love from seemingly fleeting sparks.

Age-old advice recommends finding a mate who is your best friend. The pursuit catches fire with a mutually strong physical attraction. Is it possible to find friendship in a relationship driven by lust? Of course, but a relationship driven by friendship is ultimately far less dangerous. Lust can easily die; friendship—and love—is what endures.

Is the link between love and lust, then, friendship? I believe it’s actually an element more specific: compassion. Compassion is the caring that connects lust and love together. It’s the sensitivity providing equilibrium. Without compassion, neither love nor lust can survive. With compassion, we can salvage broken relationships, foster new friendships and forge fresh beginnings. With compassion, we can trust each other to communicate openly to conquer challenges before they create distances too great to reduce. Match Point is markedly devoid of compassion. Fortunately, most real-life people use compassion to manage their shortcomings.

Psychologists believe we choose friends and lovers with characteristics we wish to emulate. I recently acquired a new perspective on this. A friend is reading a book suggesting we often choose partners who view us the way we view ourselves. The concept is “mirroring.” For example, if we are judgmental we tend to draw partners who may unfairly judge us. It may seem paradoxical; however, we often reject behavior we exhibit ourselves.

I believe a steady commitment to living with compassion can release us from these old judgments. Passion, including lust, may be reckless and primitive. Developing “conscious passion,” however, is living with compassion. Living compassionately, in fact, is perhaps the greatest passion we could ever keep.