You Might Be A Douche If....

So this morning I turn on the computer and check my email. Surprise! Someone I dated back in 2007 indicated they were "interested" when I came up in their "Daily Five" on Match.com. How flattering. Now, anyone who knows me understands I'm a professional mushball. So it took a relatively high amount of estrogen for me to take a deep breath and say: "No." I blocked him. Yes! Progress.

Stepping into the shower, I thought of Jeff Foxworthy and mused "You Know You're A Douche If..."

Voila! Out came this list (the short version). ;) To be fair, I also included "You know You're A Crazy Bitch If..." because, let's face it, we all have our douche/bitch moments. Some a lot more than others. ;) But at the end of the day we're all human (again, some more than others). So...sit back...enjoy. After all, if we don't laugh at ourselves, we're gonna cork off a helluva lot sooner. Who wants that?

Life's too short, my dear peeps.

Humbly Yours,
Larissa



You Might Be A Douche If…..

Your Online Dating Profile….

….Features multiple pictures of yourself (a) shirtless, (b) making “hot” faces in six different self-portraits (c) with your ex-girlfriend and/or (d) current girlfriend (face conveniently blacked out).
….Boasts the headline: “I’m gonna jump you like a Spider Monkey!” (Oooh, I feel tingly already).
……Notes you drink “regularly.”

Your Idea Of Being A Catch Is……
….Keying a stranger’s car because they cut your friend off in the parking lot
….Bragging about the number of women you’ve “banged”
….Talking on the phone to a girl you’re seeing while you’re on a first date with someone else

Your Idea of Feminist Empowerment Is….
….Having your girlfriend pay for her own birthday dinner
….Asking your girlfriend for money to pay the insurance copay after you accidentally crash her car

Your Romantic Side Includes….
…..Admitting you’ve been to confession after having sex because you promised God you’d wait until marriage
…..Hiding your online dating profile so you can secretly “keep your options open” while you’re "with" someone
…..Asking someone out to a wine tasting in Manhattan….and telling another girl you’re dating it’s the reason you can’t make dinner tonight.
……Dumping your fiancé on national television so you can give the runner-up “a second chance”

You Might Be A Crazy Bitch If….

Your Online Dating/Internet Etiquette Includes….
…..Revealing every detail about your last relationship....and you haven't even met in person
….Asking your prospective boyfriend how many women he’s met online…and why he’s not dating them
….Insisting your boyfriend change his relationship status on Facebook ASAP because you’ve been seeing each other a whopping month

Your Idea Of Being A Catch Is……
…..Sexting your “good friend” while you’re on a first date to establish you’re “desirable.”
.…Revealing every detail about yourself in general, down to your bathroom habits. Because you want an “honest relationship.”

You Believe Chivalry is….
…..Making your guy pay for everything because you don’t expect anything less from a man who makes six figures

Your Romantic Side Includes…
…..Forbidding your boyfriend to speak to other women. Even if he’s a bartender.
…..Pretending you were struck with a potentially fatal illness to win sympathy so you can hang on to him longer
…..Trying to get pregnant while assuring him you’re on the pill
…..Getting hitched after a month (Here’s looking at you, Khloe Kardashian)


Anyone got anymore?? :)